Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Sharting Continued, by TPS
Guest letter
Luckily, I work at home. So don’t get the wrong idea. I have, once before, sharted at work and had a hell of a time cleaning it up (in khakis, no less), but this happened today so I thought I’d share.
You know when you fart and you think it could be wet, so you wiggle a bit in your pants to feel if there’s some moisture bouncing back between your butt cheeks? I’ll have you know, that’s not a fail-safe plan.
At 10 am I farted. It felt awkward. I wiggled. I reached loosely into my boxers, which were under my gym shorts. I found nothing.
At 11am I smelled something. So I checked again. I wiggled. This time, it was damp. I reached a hand down and it was poop.
A whole hour I had been stewing in my own filth, slaving away on the computer. An hour with the stench creeping into my gym shorts and making its way onto my computer chair. An hour where the dense compilation of odorous particles silently swam through the air, up to my nostrils, providing a slight but shameful confession.
I just sighed. It happens all too often when I ‘test the waters.’ More often than not, I find more than water. It has gotten to the point where some might say I have a problem. I see it as an obsession with a dangerous game like Russian roulette. You always know you have the same chance of getting shot or shart, but you play for the thrill of it.
I cleaned it off immediately. And tomorrow, when the challenge is upon me again, I will not shy away. Never.
The fart heard round the world
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Last night I had an experience I don't think comes around often.
I went to bed as I usually do, closed my eyes and slipped into a calm, blissful sleep. The dream I had was rather mundane, except for the fact that I kept shitting myself. It was very distressing.. I was going about my daily activities and shit-slurpee kept dribbling down my pant leg. The odd thing is, no one in my dream seemed to notice or care.
Then I woke up and realized what the problem was - and no - I didn't crap all over myself - it must have been something I ate the day before because my ass was so full of fart fumes that it couldn't hold anymore. The fart was literally seeping out of my ass hole.
At the time I wasn't sure if air was all that was backing up the works so I went and sat on the throne, gave a hearty, half-asleep push and … the loudest, longest, fart I have ever heard exploded from my ass with so much force I thought my ass had exploded! - Looked back expecting to see blood, shit, and ass-parts all over the bathroom but sure enough, it was just a fart. Sitting on the toilet only amplified it.. and I live in an apartment.. and I guess my neighbor just happened to be in his bathroom at the same time because the next thing I heard was loud, uncontrollable laughter emanating from the wall.
The funny thing is that it didn't stink at all.
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Thursday, January 6, 2011
The Mysterious Veronica’s Poop Obsession- The Tyra Show
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That is how we feel at Number Two Guide. In December 2009, Tyra Banks aired a program entitled "The Grossest People in America." One particular individual, that apparently fits the description, is named Veronica. No video of this episode can be found anywhere on the internet. Just a single image.
Actually…we have two screen shots of Veronica. The first being a fuzzy TV image that has circulated around the web. The image shows Veronica with the caption, "Veronica admits she's obsessed with pooping". The second image can be found on the Tyra show website, with Veronica holding up a sign that only deepens her mystique. What can we de-deuce from these two images?
Clue One: The fuzzy TV Screen Shot - Known Facts:
1. Veronica admits she is obsessed with pooping.
2. Veronica was on the Tyra show.
3. The photographer should get a nicer TV and camera. You can actually get pretty good deals on flat screens these days and it is worth the upgrade.
4. Veronica is a good looking girl. When she musters up the courage to tell a guy about her obsession on the 3rd or 4th date the dude goes along with it like "it's no big deal." Veronica is pleasantly surprised by this, and that night she sleeps with the guy. The next day the guy tells all of his friends about Veronica and Veronica never hears from him again.
5. Her obsession runs so deep that she is on the Tyra show! I can't emphasize that point enough.
6. She looks like she is not very happy to be on the show. Part of her thinks it will be a good way to get her obsession under control, but deep down, another part of her knows that her appearance on the show is going to stir up the other poop addicts. She hopes she will meet her true love.
Clue Two: The Sign - Known Facts:
1. Veronica is a "Poop Talker." Nobody has any clue what that means. Does she like discussing poop at social events? Or perhaps it is an innate superpower, like the horse whisperers, where she can speak the language of the poop and get the logs to flush themselves.
2. If she just likes talking on the phone when she poops, I will feel ripped off. Who doesn't do that?
3. She looks cute in yellow.
4. The girl to her right is not amused, the man to her left is.
5. There is a 17% chance she once tried pooping with her legs crossed.
6. The Tyra show is running out of things to talk about.
It is hard to call someone "mysterious" after she confesses her love for poop on national television, but for now the mystery of Veronica will remain unsolved.
Cue Unsolved Mysteries theme song (cross fingers for an update).
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A Lesson in Scatology
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As part of Deadspin's "Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure," Bryan submitted the following story:
So back in college I took an easy "A" course in sociology. Everyone got "A's" in this class, so it was worth putting up with the inanity of the 12 weeks. One of the projects was to chart a new relationship, and write a paper on how it developed. So you had to pick someone in the class that you did not know and meet at least 5 times, and one had to be social.
I ended up with a moderately cute skinny blond, "Lisa". The first time we met for coffee, the 2nd time at the library, the third time somewhere else. We were getting along fine, no problems, but really no spark either. The 4th time I offered to make dinner. Yes, on rare occasions I did actually make dinner in college.
"She's laying face down and sitting there on top of her ass cheeks is a giant turd"
So she came to my apartment and had dinner and started drinking wine- 2 bottles. Good stuff too, like $6.98 Kendall Jackson. We're getting pretty buzzed and just hanging out after dinner and all of a sudden she grabs me and starts kissing me. I wasn't that attracted to her, but whatever…it was research so I felt a responsibility to go along. Pretty soon we are almost naked in the middle of the living room.
I get up for a second to run to get a condom, and when I get back she was kind of slumped over and begins vomiting all over my living room floor. Not projectile, but still a lot. She then falls down backward passed out with puke remnants on her face and all over my carpet.
At that exact moment my two female housemates open up our downstairs front door. I am standing there with a rapidly shriveling hard on and a passed out vomit covered girl and scream to them to "stay the FUCK downstairs". I quickly drag her into my bedroom, and throw her face down on my bed while I grab some clothes and start to clean up the mess.
I clean up the pile of puke the best I can, and then head back into my bedroom, where she's still passed out, but added a new treat to the night- she took a huge shit all over herself. She's laying face down and sitting there on top of her ass cheeks is a giant turd. I just remember standing there looking at it, shacking my head in disbelief of how the night had turned out, while trying to hold in my own initial reaction to throw up as well, and how the fuck I was going to write about this in my paper.
It was probably about an hour or more before she came out of my bedroom. She was dressed, but she had just put on her pants without going to the bathroom or cleaning up, so she's standing there like a 13 month old with a giant crap in their diaper. I said, why don't you go in the bathroom and clean up before you go. She came back after about 5 minutes, and mumbled something about not having eaten all day, which given the size of the shit she dropped on my bed and the amount of vomit that was on my living room carpet, was pretty hard to believe.
She scuttled off home and I go into my room to see the most horrifying thing ever. There was shit everywhere. Not just a trail to the bathroom, but streaks on the wall, the light switch, the bathroom sink, my fucking stereo speakers. I would have rather faced a room full of terrorists than this. It took me two cans of Lysol and Comet to clean everything up and before I felt safe again. The entire bedspread and comforter went into a dumpster that night.
I came class at the last possible second the following day, and she immediately put her face in her hands and began turning red, never looking up the entire class. We skipped the final "meeting". Oh, and I got a fucking "D' on my paper.
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TMI Urinal Talker
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